I got on here right now with many ideas of what to blog about. Now all I have is blankness. Where did it go?

Things have been pretty much the same here. Sunday night we all went to grandma and grandpa's house for dinner. The whole Boise part of our family was there. I made a remark at how cool it was that we were all together and it wasn't a holiday and nobody had died. Actually, I almost reached the zenith of my happiness. Almost.  I felt very proud and very loved. I felt safe and content. It was a night that helped me be reminded of what living in Boise is and will continue to be about.

Halloween was a pretty big disappointment. I used up a lot of energy switching shifts with a coworker in order to have Halloween off. I might as well have gone to work. We made it to about 3 houses with Jake and then he had a meltdown. During trick-or-treating he was very, very cute though. He was so interested in crunching the leaves and picking dandelions. Then he would remember to run to the door and say trick or treat.

I dunno. The night was just a let down for me. I was expecting it to be so much more. I spent  most of my night in tears :( And ended up having a very strong 7 & 7.

Sometimes  I just put so much pressure on myself.  I wish that I will get to have another child but as long as I stay with Jim that is not going to happen.  I have accepted the fact. I think that my knowing that Jake is going to be my only kid makes me feel like I should be making very experience greatness. All birthdays. Holidays. The sad thing is I haven't. There is not one holiday or birthday of his that I have felt put together about. In all honesty, I often feel like a failure when it comes to stuff like that. Like I should have done more. I feel  loss at the idea that I missed the opportunity to seize these mild stones in my son's life...

Thoughts like these have really been bringing me down lately. I think I need something to concentrate on. For this reason I cannot wait to go back to school. Maybe when I can be something other than a mom every second of the day... Maybe its because all my chips are in one corner. I have nothing else to do but count and recount.

Yeah. I do need school to start.

For survival's sake.

Okay so update: Mom didn't come to visit after all. I feel so bad that she (and the rest of the family) have been sick. I couldn't help but be heart broken though. I cried for a good 3 hours. Mom told me to be brave. I thought that is what I was doing all this time.  I have been trying to be such a "big girl".  That all ended when I heard she wasn't coming- I became a little girl who wanted to be with her mommy.

I did get to have lunch with my Frauntie, Shannon and Lindsay though. It was a very nice visit and it was so nice being among a "mom-like" spirit. Cathy is always very comforting to be around. I know that I can always be myself. No matter what. And of course she is way cool like mom too. They are not like "regular moms". Mom and Cathy talk honestly. They don't sugar coat. One thing that is soooo cool about Cathy is her love of music. Yesterday she picked up a dvd I have of Crosby, Stills and Nash. After reading the back she exclaimed "I was here at this concert". Now I will be able to imagine her being there when I watch it. I couldn't even imagine how amazing it must have been...

Jake and I are going to see the great-grandparents today. It has been way too long. I am looking forward to a nice long visit with them. Especially my grandpa, who is one of the funniest and smartest people I know.

Right now I have to get my day going. Later I will be by to visit sites.